On Fatherhood

Aldrin Badiola, United States

He escapes from under my bed when I sleep. I throw

my books at him to keep him away. Each page

in my journal is a different poem but they all end in “failure.”

Here’s one—A father & his son are fishing

& the father tells his son the bait is how you get

the girl. The son is not a son but a memory because

he ran away to become a musician—The poem ends.

Shit, there aren’t enough metaphors in this one. Blood,

rain, worship, fire: my friends have published collections

with all of them. In each, a mango-bomb explodes. I’m not ready

to write about what father means in Tagalog because I can barely

say it in English. In another poem—father i’m not ready

to be a man for you. father i wish you couldn’t speak english

so i could write about cooking rice with you & italicize

your immigration. i want to publish a collection & if it means

lying then i will lie—This one ends unfinished too. The monster

is still hungry. The monster is asking for another story.

The first metaphor is done. We have three more but not enough

stories to fit them in. A rabbit-son is double prey. These stories

are starting to blur together. The monster wants more. A father,

a son, & his son all walk into a bar. The bartender asks

for the father’s order & they all say they want bourbon

in a paper bag—Are you tired yet? The monster wants a story

not about fathers, but this is all he’s going to get. These stories

are all I know how to write. Fathers are all I know

how to poeticize. A father is all I can become. So I will father

these stories until they are sick of it, & they will become fathers

too. I cut the silence in half. The final story:

A son tries to call his father back. The son missed the last three.

The son is ready to try again. The monster

is on my shoulders now. I tuck him into bed & I start to pen

my final apology in my bedroom. A father & his son are holding hands.

Aldrin Badiola (he/him) is a Filipino poet. A Best of the Net nominee, his works are published or forthcoming in The Hopkins Review, Fleeting Daze Magazine, and elsewhere. He is the editor-in-chief of Artists from Maryland. He can be found at aldrinbadiola.carrd.co.